A Little Imagination and a Pile of Junk

drained. hollow. empty. barren. fizzled out.

 

Somehow I misplaced my creativity. My ability to play with art. Or maybe the sun melted it out of me. Regardless of how it happened, it is long gone now. Even my doodling feels too controlled and contrived. I can admit it now. It used to be the heat that kept me out of my art room but now it is fear. Fear of the blank page. Fear that I've lost it for good. Fear that I couldn't produce anything if I tried. Fear that I'll always feel this way. Thankfully, the door is still unlocked but when I walk in, I can't find myself there (and I certainly can't lose myself there either) and have no idea what I'm doing. Nothing excites me. Nothing even interests me. It might as well be someone else's room.

 

In 2 days we are set to close on our new house. It's true, part of my hesitation to jump into my art comes from knowing we'll only be in this space a while longer so what's the point of dragging out a bunch of stuff that I'll only have to pack away soon? Too, I keep thinking about the great studio in our new house--so much potential, and that still excites me--but then I think about the packing and unpacking that awaits me again and I'm exhausted. Too exhausted to try and squeeze out a few measly drops of creative energy.

 

It used to be so easy. I didn't even have to try. Now that I've neglected my "real art" or whatever you want to call it for so long, it's hard. Too hard. It gives me a headache just thinking about it--I'm not exaggerating. What happened to me and how could I have just let it happen?? I know, this is just the natural ebb and flow of creativity and I just need to push through the resistance. But I don't feel like it. I know, I know, I've been here before and I'll get through it just like I did then. But I don't want to work at it. I want it to be easy again. So I sit here and whine.

 

Maybe I shouldn't have tried to compose this post when I do have a raging headache, I'm sweating in my own house and it's only going to get worse, and all I want to do is go back to bed. But then maybe there's someone out there who can totally relate. Or maybe there's still someone out there who thinks I have it all together and probably never go through days like this. Ha! Guess I showed you.

Lest you worry too much, I'm still doing creative things. I'm going through the motions. I'm almost finish with Maisey's blanket. Just have the edging to go and it's my favorite part. I'm doodling from time to time, controlled and contrived though it seems. I made the most amazing freezer jam last week and can't wait to make more. Last Wednesday I spent the afternoon making jewelry with friends. I even spent an hour a few nights ago working on those still undone last few pages in my Remains of the Day journal. But my art soul remains empty. I even bought a new art book that managed to excite me for a few minutes but just depresses me now. Even without opening, it mocks me. So I burried it under the rest of the books I've been hiding in lately. I won't let it see what's become of me.

 

more of the same

 

I actually tried to spend some time in my art room this past week but didn't get through more than a little superficial cleaning. We're in the middle of a 100 degree plus heat wave and it's still way too hot indoors. I'm determined to enjoy these last six weeks or so of summer but I have to admit that I'll be thrilled to get back into my art room and back into the swing of freer art making! Slinging paint and paper and fabric with wild abandon--I've almost forgotten what it is like! But for now, I'll have to be content with my doodling journal and pens. It meets that desperate need to be doing something creative, but isn't near as satisfying.

 

 

For fun, I tried some in blue but think I'll stick with the black from now on.

 

 

I'm looking forward to getting some color on these soon, but first I have to finish up a few books I've started and have been dragging on for too long now, too sad to see them go. I have a love/hate relationship with finishing a great book. I usually go into a kind of mourning for a few days from not having my newly made friends with me all the time. This time it's particularly hard for me to finish that last chapter because I already know how the book ends and the imprisonment, concentration camps and death that await me and the real-life hero of my story. But--oh!--what a wonderful story it is! I'll have more later once the appropriate mourning period has passed.

to color, or no?

 

When I started my doodling notebook, I was coloring in all my designs. It was the color that I loved most. But the more I do them, the more I fall in love with the line.

 

And there's something about the black and white. But I still can't decide which I like best. 

 

What do you think? Color or black and white?

 

neglect

I've been told that when one moves to a new area, the transition to a new home, climate, landscape, etc. can last not a few weeks or months but a whole year as each new season brings its own transitional period fresh and new. I'm wondering what I did with my life before we had this porch to waste the days upon. I truly can't remember.

 

I vaguely remember spending lots of time on the Internet writing my own and looking at other artist blogs.

 

The other day I walked through my art room and stopped to actually take a look around. Everything was covered in dust. I couldn't remember what I did at my desk last. What was I working on before it all had to become portable or be abandoned for another season?

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm thoroughly enjoying my summer in Colorado. It is heavenly. Magical. I wouldn't change a thing. Well, maybe one thing. I miss my art room. It's nearly impossible to sew or paint on the porch.

 

In another month, we'll be--God willing--closing on our new house! I can't wait to show you because among the many wonderful features of this fabulous 100 year old house is a smaller house out back...a real live art studio! All mine, mine, mine...and the kids', for school too, of course. I'm looking forward to slightly cooler weather or, in any case, central a/c where I can enjoy some of the indoor arts for a change. For now, though, I have my crochet, my books, and my doodle journal. Nothing to complain about.

 

lingering a little longer

 

These Summer days are longer, but there doesn't seem to be much time for blogging. Lingering dinners with old friends, a new Bible study and new friends being made, slow walks through the neighborhood mentally cataloging my favorite houses, books that require many hours in the shade of the porch, finishing one blanket and beginning the next--so many good ways to spend the longer days!

 

What have you been up to so far this Summer?