craps gain

The voices in my head have been particularly cruel lately. Beyond a few half-hearted attempts, I haven't worked in an art journal in almost 2 weeks. Usually, I'll start by browsing through the pages, adding a little here or changing a little there until I settle on one page I'll work on for a bit, though I almost never finish a page at one sitting. Now, when I open them up, I see crap. That's crap, yep more  crap, that one is really crap...and on and on until I feel sick and want to throw the book out the window. Some of the things the voices say:

• Look how inconsistent everything looks. If you were a real artist, you'd have some kind of recognizable style. All you have is crap upon crap.
• You've never had an original idea in your life. You couldn't come up with an original design or technique if your life depended on it.
• There is only one page in this entire book that is even halfway decent, and it's barely that. Yeah, you might be able to produce one "good" work out of 100 but someone with real talent....
• You think that one is good?? Yeah, because your just copying something you've seen someone else do. (This voice started as a teenager and still hasn't gone away entirely.)
• There is nothing unique to you in this entire book except the inconsistency. Real artists have something to say. You're just wasting your time.
• Yeah, a few people have thought your work is good, but that's because you only show them the "good" stuff. If they saw what you really do....

Well. Putting that all out in the world just gave me a big fat tummy ache. I have a doctor's appt. in a little while so I'll come back later.

Comments

[Hanna]

You allready know what that part of your brain is saying is just crap, but if you keep hearing it a lot I recommend getting a self help book on self asteem or whatever it is called. A favorite is one by Sue Atkinson.

You know you're a great artist, so tell those thoughts to go away next time!!!!!! Tell them from me!

[Kira]

Oh, sweetie.....I know how that feels. But remember where you are! You have been published, had your work in magazines -- I'm so envious of your talent and work....you ARE an artist and a good one.

I refer you to this image by Keri Smith. I have it in my journal and it always reminds me what's good and lifts my creative spirits.

Well, I can't find the individual image, so:

http://www.kerismith.com/ask.html

*hugs!!!* Let me know if I can do anything to help!

[Sami]

Urk! I'm de-lurking to say that I have that same nasty little voice in my head. You know you're gonna get mad love from others in blogland, but here's some from a former lurker: your work is NOT crap; it is not derivative; it inspires others. That voice, however, that voice IS full of crap.

Personally, when my little voice o' ickiness starts spewing its regular litany of my general uselessness, I've decided to treat it as I would a troubled teenager. That is to say, I respond to it as I would to someone that I love VERY much but whose head I'm somewhat tempted to bash in with a brick. Now, childless as I am, even I understand that bashing heads generally doesn't make for improved relationships with teenagers. In fact, I'm reasonably sure that being hostile worsens ALL relationships, including that which one has with oneself. For some reason, I find it much easier to be kind to this imaginary teenager than I could ever be with myself. (How very sad, nu?) And there you go: I might be making my way towards a split personality, but I have been MUCH nicer to myself, and have even got the Voice of Crap to quiet down a bit. And isn't that nice? Now, if only I'd open that bleeping journal again ...

[Nicole S]

Your little voices need a good flogging. They're just jealous of your talent. Someone once told me it's not about the end result, it's about the fun you have while creating.

Make your art fun, dammit! :-) hehe just kiddin'.

[Mary]

welcome to the artist club. we all doubt ourselves and our work from time to time and feel like huge imposters when we look in the mirror but don't despair. the light will come back into your heart and your work and your step, too. doubt is ok--it pushes us to move past the creative plateaus we are on and to test ourselves more and more and our work improves as a result. i always tell my students that when their work feels the crappiest they are on to something--just keep pushing. it usually means a breakthrough of some kind is coming and hey, that applies to the rest of life, too.....don't you thing? hang in there....an artist's life isn't always easy but is the best i can imagine and i suspect you feel the same about it....take care!

[Mary]

that's think in that awkward sentence but hey, thinging could be kind of interesting if we only knew how to do it.....

[Lori]

Those voices aren't worth listening too, they don't know what they're talking about! your work is grand, I just love it as so many others do. And even if we didn't like it, who cares all that matters is that you love making art. I hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you no matter what you choose to do :)

[Pilar]

Isn't the evil self critic a real gem? I can completely understand each and every element of your post as I often have the same thoughts go through my head when I am creating. Too bad we don't have a fast forward or deleat button, which can erase such thoughts. Sending you lots of love.xoxooxox

[NancyB]

Big hugs darling! I know that feeling well...thats why I havent been doing any art...I had the same thoughts...I find myself more and more less of original and want to break away and do something that is all my own...but in order to do that I have to isolate...now right there it sounds like a bad idea...Id become more of a hermit than I already am...But maybe just maybe for a little while so I can clear my head...I want one of those delete buttons too, like Pilar mentioned. I will be around off and on..and just to let you know...when you get these feelings there is a change about to happen with your art...so go make some hand painted/stamped pages and it will come to you!!!
Much love and hugs!

[Bari Ackerman]

Have you been hanging out in my head??? I think we all have those thoughts. I often wonder, "who told me that?" "why is that my belief?"... When I look back and see where the belief came from in the first place (it could even be that reoccuring thought a nasty teacher put in place in the 3rd grade) I usually settle down and realize that I don't have to believe those negative things. Good grief, it's easy to hang on to the bad stuff and dismiss anything good as insignificant. Feel good, and know that so many of us are with you!
Best,
~Bari

[Deb L]

Oh how brave of you to put those nagging voices down in print! Does that make them go away? Because they are also hanging out in my head and are a huge block to what I feel I can really create. Self-doubt (artist's version of the "imposter syndrome") just plain 'ol stinks - lol! Love your blog (don't know why I've never moseyed over here before!)... Deb