just thinking...

Change is good and necessary, but usually I don't like it. I like my routine. I like when things are nice and predictable and safe. I don't always dislike change, it's just that I want to be the one to cause it on my terms and in my time. Well, I don't have to tell you that life doesn't always cooperate with our plans. The past year has been full of many changes, some that I could never have predicted and that I may not ever understand. A year ago in March, a very close and dear friend who happened to be the pastor of our church got the flu which turned into pneumonia and within a week he had died. He was 40 years old. Otherwise healthy, with two small children. I mean that kind of change. This week we were again reminded of how fragile life is and how quickly things can change without warning when a friend and co-oworker of John's was in a 4-wheeler accident and is now in ICU with a massive head injury. He's like 30 years old.

And the thought that keeps resonating with me is that I don't want to waste my life. That is like my biggest fear. Losing my husband or children would be a close second, but coming to the end of my life and realizing that I had wasted it on trivial things would be the worst. And I worry that most of my days are spent that way. I was going to post about the wonderful things I got for Mother's day, and I will because I am thankful and I am blessed. But when I sat down to write today, something different came out. I don't want my days to just be about the stuff. The stuff I want, the stuff I make, the stuff I need, the stuff I do, the stuff I'm preoccupied with. If it is all about me, then I've missed something somewhere.

I do try to live my life by what I believe to be important, but "life" ends up to be a series of days and often it is too easy to get caught up in things that don't really matter or only matter for this one day. I mean, at the end of my life, am I going to look back and wish I had done more thrift shopping? Am I going to wish my button collection was just a little bigger? Okay, so I might actually wish I could go thrift shopping or run my fingers through my button collection just one more time...but that isn't what I want my life to be about. So, I guess change is good if it causes you to stop and evaluate how things are going from time to time. I mean, the days sometimes go by so slowly, but the years fly by.

Change for the good: I've resigned all my design team positions and plan only to do designing on a freelance basis, i.e., work that I can earn real money for. I've narrowed my focus to concentrate more on my mixed media art and crafting that centers around my home. Also, I'm going to start homeschooling Soren for kindergarten in the fall. It is something I've always wanted to do, but have been afraid to do (afraid I'd screw up my kids, afraid it would be too hard, afraid I'd never have time for myself, afraid I'd suck at it.)  This time I don't feel afraid.

A few years ago I read an excellent book by Edith Schaeffer (the daughter of Francis Schaeffer, Christian apologist & philosopher) called The Hidden Art of Homemaking, creative ideas for enriching everyday life. I think I might reread it now. Maybe I'll even share a few bits here along the way.

But before I go, I have to brag on my wonderful husband who truly spoiled me over Mother's Day weekend. Soren had been running a little fever on Saturday, so we kept him home from church on Sunday, just in case. When Maisey and I got home, I found that John had cleaned the whole house, even the kid's rooms! Soren brought me a card and my Mother's day present, two new CDs I've been coveting: KT Tunstall and Jack Johnson. I was thrilled, but then John brought out another card filled with cash. And the rest of the day belonged to me. They took me to the fabric store, the book store, out to eat and let me stay as long as I wanted...no kids to chase around, no one getting a sudden shopping headache, and money to burn. Just spending time together doing stuff I enjoy doing. Do I have a fabulous husband or what?? Okay, so here are the pictures:

The flower buttons are my favorite. And the books. I'll have some book reviews for you later. And if you've made it this far in my post, thanks for listening.

Comments

[Jblackdesigns]

What a wonderful post! I know what you mean about stuff--I have a real love/hate/need relationship with stuff.

How wise you are to hold on to what's real--your family, a kind and thoughtful husband, good kids. As says Don Henley says, "You don't see no hearses with luggage racks."

Thanks for sharing (and I LOVE your new stuff--can't wait to see what you make with it!). ;-)

Jennifer

[Beth]

You have no idea how much I can relate to what you wrote. I struggle with the same thing on a daily basis. When I was in Aruba, I actually talked about "change" to a group of the spouses (80 of them) and how it can be a good thing. They had asked me to help with this due to having made 13 moves in 21 years. Change can be hard, but good. It does make you realize what really matters in life....husband and kids...and that buttons and such, can be replaced so easily. What I can't figure out though, is why on too many days, it's the little things, like buttons, that make me smile the most. It must have something to do with the buttons being in my studio, and that's the "happy room" in my house.

[Bianca]

A lovely post (and some lovely fabric too!)

[jenny vorwaller]

change...its not easy, but i love it personally. to stay "you" throughout all the difference circumstances and possibilities and adjustments in life is an adventure! hang in there !

happy weekend!

[molly]

a wonderful post...in a somewhat different way, these same themes have been on my mind--what is most important in life, and learning to slow down and enjoy the things that really count.
I also know well the fragility of life--my husband lost his brother (27) and father (50) in a car accident three years ago. You think it will never happen to you. And you realize how valuable life is, and how important it is to deal with your eternal life.
This was a great post. thanks for sharing it with us.

[Alicia P.]

Exactly. I hear you.

[Krista]

You really should win an award for this post. No kidding. All I can say is you said it so well. Life, it's got to be lived. I hope you'll continue in your endeavor to live the way you truly feel is important, and I wish you all the best - thank you for the great reminder, I'm off to do the same.

[Leticia]

Kudos to you for knowing what your priorities are *and* for acting on it. That sounds like a book I need to look at. Great post.